Are you a People-Pleaser? Are you someone who always puts other peoples’ feelings above your own or someone who makes the pursuit of other peoples happiness your main aim in life?
You become a People-Pleaser when the balance tips and the boundaries between your own happiness and other peoples become blurred.
Helping others is great when done genuinely. People-Pleasing is different from a genuine interest in other people. At the heart of this issue is the fact when you are in people-pleasing mode, you have lost sight of what makes you truly happy, let alone anyone else.
Here are some lessons I have learnt that have helped me:
1. Be Authentic
Authenticity is the nemesis of People-Pleasing. People-Pleasing is all about getting others to behave in a certain way to make you feel better. Being authentic is being real. There is no agenda; there is just you. It isn’t hard to start noticing the difference between authenticity and People-Pleasing, Authenticity feels real and honest. You have no agenda and are transparent. People-Pleasing on the other hand feels insecure, fragile, phony and desperate. Start identifying your feelings and which mode you are in. Start choosing authenticity.
2. Listen to Your Feelings
Your feelings are a communication. They are there to tell you something. Start listening. One trap I have fallen into in the past is listening to your feelings and then justifying them away. For example, if I feel disappointed with someone else and notice that feeling, I then go on to justify the other person’s behaviour i.e. “they are going through a hard time”. It is useful to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes and understand what is going in for them, but it is important to learn to take the time to understand what is going on for you too. You don’t have to solve the problem straight away or get rid of the feeling. Learn to really listen to your feelings without judgement.
3. Realise People-Pleasing is Not “Nice”
One of the things that made a real difference to me is realising that People-Pleasing is pretty sleazy. It robs you of your self esteem and doesn’t leave the people you are trying to please with a good experience of you. People-Pleasing is one of those behaviours that sounds “nice” but which is actually the opposite. People-Pleasing isn’t really about others and making a difference, it is all about you. For example you might say “I haven’t heard from you for a while, I have been worried about you” when what is really going on is “I am not really worried about you, I just want to make sure you still like me”. We don’t say these things, but other people pick up on them anyway.
4. Let Go of Control
People-Pleasing is controlling. To make yourself feel better you need others to be ‘pleased’ or ‘happy’ with you. Imagine what pressure that is for the other person! Take a moment to remind yourself of a time that someone has been a People-Pleaser with you and how this experience made you feel.
I have noticed that when I am in People-Pleasing mode I take other peoples moods personally. I see someone is upset and I worry that I have upset them. I search my mind for ways that I may have upset them and want to apologise or at least find a way to make them happy again, even if it is nothing to do with me! Again when I am like this, it’s all about me. trying to make others feel good so I can feel good again! Realising that other people have the right to be happy or unhappy has been a huge realisation for me. That might sound kind of obvious, but when I am in People-Pleasing mode, someone else being unhappy isn’t ok. It makes me feel bad and I want that feeling to go away as soon as possible!
Learn to accept and allow others just as they are.
5. Learn to Be OK with Upsetting People
“You can’t keep all the people happy all the time”
I am not advocating being a jerk here, but it is a fact of life is that you can’t make everyone happy all the time. What you can do is be authentic and do what you feel is right. We all upset others at times. It is inevitable. Sometimes people are jealous; sometimes they don’t like other people being happy or successful and sometimes they may be upset with you and they just don’t know why! You cannot be responsible for other people’s happiness but you sure as hell are responsible for your own.
(Note: This isn't an excuse not to apologise if you are in the wrong. Learn to listen to your intuition and be honest. Ask yourself: "Is there something I need to take responsibility for here?")
6. Please Yourself
Learning to please yourself is one of the most important things you can do. Looking for outside validation stifles your inner voice and makes you small.
You are not small. Whenever you feel small you don’t feel good. That is because it is not true. You are huge. You are here to shine.
Start learning about you. What makes you happy? What lights your heart up with joy? Some people are so used to thinking about what makes other people happy, that this really is an alien concept. If this is the case, start finding out today. When someone asks you what you fancy for lunch don’t say the usual “I don’t mind” or “Whatever you fancy”, take a moment to think about what you would like to eat and let the other person know. Step by step you start getting clear what makes you happy.
People-Pleasing robs you of your natural expression and joy in life. As I shared, these are some of the ways I deal with this tendency in myself. Are you a recovering People-Pleaser? I would love to hear about your experiences.
Sometimes you just have to say no because saying no is beneficial to neither party.
Nice post Jen
Ben´s last blog ..Make a change: Working out what you want
Absolutely Ben. You hit on something important here ... I think things usually work out for the best for everyone once we are honest.
Thanks Ben.
Jen
Jen,
Every time you write a post, I feel like you are a mind-reader and are writing about the story of my life. It's freaky how much we share in common. I have a similar connection with a few others on-line as well.
Yes, I hate to admit it, but I had fallen into this trap. Ever since I was a child, I have been trying to please other people. This was for social acceptance: I wanted to be well-liked and I won the popularity contest, to be sure. When you are young, you lack self-confidence and depend on an ego boost through social approval. That used to be me.
I was a known as a "social butterfly" and the "life of the party" and the "class clown." People knew me as the go-to guy to have a good time.
And I enjoyed the fun, while it lasted, but I had to move on...there is a time to grow up. As an adult, you have adult responsibilities too.
I am a member of several clubs/associations--you can imagine my situation, I hope--and people have taken it really hard; they can be unforgiving, if you decide to turn over a new leaf and gravitate toward greener pastures. My social calendar was always full, so I decided to cut back in order to make time for myself and the priorities I have in life. I still receive invitations for parties, pot-lucks and other events, but I have to decline politely due to other commitments.
I am not the wild, party animal anymore that I used to be, so people are unpleasantly surprised, because they were never acquainted with another facet to my personality. I have also outgrown so many relationships and have discovered the joy of working toward goals.
That has really displeased a lot of people I used to know, and they keep on complaining about my behavior behind my back. Yes, they miss me.
What can I do about it? I have really moved on with my life. Cheers!
Hey Archan!
It's really good to hear my posts and experiences are resonating with you. It is really cool when that happens isn't it! I often find the right posts at the right time too.
From the things you have shared here over the last few months, it sounds like you have had the courage to really follow what feels right to you. It can be really hard when others don't understand our new direction. On one hand they miss us so it can be flattering but on the other hand we all have times in life that we need to let people go their own way. I have found you really discover your true friends at times like this.
Well done Archan! It is really inspiring to hear about your adventures.
Jen
Hi Jen
One good thing about getting older is that you stop trying to pretend and become happy with who you are.
I blog on Public Speaking and one of my main messages is:
Be yourself but made large.
Try and be something you aren't, and you'll get caught out.
Keith Davis´s last blog ..Flying in formation
Hi Keith
Thanks for dropping in here.
I completely agree, as I get older I seem to worry less and settle into my own skin. It makes the grey hairs I keep finding worth it!
I love that message ... "be yourself made large" ... I will make a note of that!
Jen
Jen, what an interesting topic. I have to tell you I am a pretty selfish person and I find when I put myself and my own goals and interests first, then I am able to give SO MUCH MORE to the whole world around me and I love the cycle. Being selfish is a virtue as long as you hold enough kindness for those around you (if that is important to you). If not, being all about oneself is fine too but it just doesn't interest me. I love my friends, peeps, colleagues and buddies all over but if I don't love me first, everything falls apart. Balance here as you said is key.....
Hi Farnoosh,
I love your honesty. I think we are all pretty selfish if we are honest with ourselves. As you shared, I think that can be a good thing .. I think we are told by society that we should be 'good' and selfless but I honestly think the more we take care of ourselves, the more we have to really give to others. I think the trick is in the cycle that you referred to ... if it's all about us, something is stuck and if it is all about others, something is equally stuck... it's about keeping the flow going and as you say a balance. That said, I think many of us really need to learn that taking care of ourselves and what we want is ok and actually essential to our own and society's wellbeing.
Thanks Farnoosh - great food for thought!
Jen
Nice job Jen! I know this a difficult subject for many, simply because they don't realize they are doing it...they just think they're being "nice" or doing the right thing. I have certainly been down that road before and I do still have to have chats with myself sometimes when I realize I'm trying too hard with someone who is just maybe not resonating with me. We have to accept that, as you said, EVERYONE'S not going to like us, regardless of the hoops we might jump through to try to make it happen. Just being authentic and finding joy in who you are will attract those that are supposed to be in your orbit and who affirm your good feelings, not contribute to bringing your mood down.
Thanks for a great post!
Tisha´s last blog ..Biz Mommy of the Week: Micki Berg
Thanks Tisha!
Good point ... I know I don't always realise I am doing it. Gradually I am learning to become more aware but it is hard to catch sometimes! I like what you said about taking a step back when someone isn't resonating with you. I used to feel like I 'should' get on with everyone, but as you say, not everyone is like us and accepting that does make a real difference.
Thank you for a very insightful comment as always Tisha.
Jen
Jen,
How are you? I love this topic, especially the questions you ask at the end such as "What makes you happy?" "What lights your heart up with joy?" You know, the older I get, the more I am concerned with those two questions, but, more importantly, the answers. Apart from my work, which I like (can't say "love" here), I try to fill my time with doing the things that make me happy if at all possible. It may be working in the yard, doing my woodworking, working out, etc. If it's not that, it's simply being with my loved ones.
I must say that in the past I was always concerned about how people react to me. I see those same characteristics in one of my daughters. But the older I get the less I care about how others react to me. I think obviously we have to be concerned about how our loved ones are behaving towards us, but we can't be dragged down if another person is having a bad day. Ruffling feathers can be a good thing and I think we just have to understand that...
Best,
Bob
Bob Bessette´s last blog ..You should hasten to use Quicken.
Hi Bob.
How lovely to see you. I am really well thanks. How are you?
Getting older seems to help many of us get things in perspective, I know I worry less about things that don't really matter as time goes by. I think as you are doing, spending our time doing things we love and spending time with loved ones is so important to our happiness.
I think you hit on a good point about not being dragged down if someone else is having a bad day. The more we build our own self esteem and become less concerned about how others react to us, the better. I truly think we can make more of a difference in the world when we approach life in this way and as you say worry less about ruffling feathers. It's inevitable sometimes and not necessarily a bad thing!
Thanks again Bob
Jen
Jen,
I needed this today. I've gone too long needing to straighten things out with people. I just could never feel whole if I felt that someone was upset with me. I would need to talk to them, turn it around, and ultimately blame myself just to make things good again. Well, it's time to man-up and realize that I'm gonna piss people off sometimes. Stop being the gentle big guy that smooths thing over. In doing so, I think that people don't realize what they've done and are able to walk around with a clear conscience.
I'm new to your blog... I love it!
Hi Lee
Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving your thoughts.
I am glad this post was helpful and I really appreciate your honesty. I can identify with what you shared about not feeling whole if someone was upset with you and ending up taking the blame. I used to do this too... it's so disempowering isn't it?
I really sense that you have got to the place where you are ready for a change. Your last point (about people not knowing what they have done) is really important. When we man up and be who we really are we take responsibility for communicating our feelings. Otherwise like the wise quote goes "we are drinking poison waiting for the other person to die
Really glad to have helped and look forward to connecting more!
Jen
Great question: "are you a recovering people-pleaser?" Most definitely!
I think when I went into the world of self-development, I did so telling myself that it would be wonderful to help people. But the, at the time, unconscious motivation was to help myself. If people changed their lives because I'd helped I could be okay. I learned quite quickly that that was a lot of pressure to put on others and indeed to put on my work. It stopped me for a while being able to challenge. I daren't risk upsetting them. What would that mean for me!!??
Deciding that I and only I was responsible for my emotional wellbeing freed me to allow other people to likewise be responsible for theirs. My role as a coach in the process is thus freed up to be much more powerful.
Christine Livingston´s last blog ..A Conversation With Nick Williams
Hi Christine.
Oh yes, it is such a common pitfall isn't it?
Thank you for sharing about your experience with your work Christine. Like you, I have faced this challenge. As you share getting ourselves out of the way makes the world of difference. As I replied to Bob, I really think being willing to ruffle feathers means we really can make a difference and not stifle ourselves.
Your point about how taking responsiblity for your own emotional well helped others take responsibility for theirs is very important. I have noticed this in myself and others ... often 'being' different makes much more different than what we say.
Jen
Great post. I'm most def a people pleaser - although someone should tell me why us pp's aren't that way with our spouse's? LOL! I am sometimes with my hubby, but prob more often than not I put OTHERS before him! That's BACKWARDS!!! Thanks for this post!
Catie´s last blog ..Saturday Skinny
Hi Catie
Great to have you here.
Good point! I think many of us are much more real with our spouses! It is good to see you have identified how you are with your husband.
Jen
Ultimately what you want to accomplish in life is helping other people succeed which makes you feel good. But if it doesn't, what are you really gaining? Nothing. So make sure it's always a win-win.
What do you think?
Eric´s last blog ..Why You Should Be Your Blog
I agree Eric, it does need to be win-win. Compromising ourselves doesn't achieve that.
Unfortunately I am such a people pleaser. I care waaay too much what people think, and you are right...you can not please everyone!
I have had to work harder at trying to figure out what I like, and have commited time each week to do just that.
I am still working on caring what others think and trying to keep everyone happy! Wish me luck!
Hi Meeks
I am glad this resonated. It is something I have struggled with too but I love your idea of taking time each week to figure out what you like... I am sure this will help you in lots of ways.
Jen
I must say that I am a people pleaser and seem to go out of my way to make everyone like me and make them laugh all the time and take offence far too easily and then think that it is my fault that they have passed a comment and then back track thinking have I upset them or why have they made this comment instead of just thinking actually that comment was not nice
Hi Redlady
I can really identify with what you shared! I think the fact that you are aware of your pattern is a great forst step to changing it.
Jen
Jen this is my first visit to your blog and this post is so good and timely. I can hardly wait to explore your blog further. My husband and I had the joy of living in the UK, Kent (Sevenoaks) for a year many years ago and the memories still remain among my most precious.
Betty Jo´s last blog ..questions to ask yourself
Thank you Betty Jo! Lovely to meet you and lovely to hear you once had the joy of living in Kent too!
Jen
I am a very big people pleaser, i always put other peoples feeling before my own and until i read this i didnt know why, but your right it usally is to make me feel better, to make sure they like me. This has really changed they way i think, but im not sure how to stop being a people pleaser, i would love some more advice if you could give it to me
Thank you this helped me a lot!
Hi Caitlyn
I am glad this post resonated. I would say the fact that you are now aware that you do this is a good first step. My advice is to listen to your feelings and tackle each situation as it arises. Start practicing tuning into what you want as well as other people. It takes time but you gradually start to get in touch with what you want and can put that into practice.
Jen
Being a people pleaser is so depressing. Thank you for your post. I will start stoping to be a human pleaser.
how to get a guy´s last blog ..How To Flirt With Men Without Seeming Desperate – 3 Important Keys
Glad it helped.
Hi, I'm so happy I came across your blog. I never realized there were a LOT of people under this "people-pleasing thing." I am suffering from this and this has taken over my life. I just want to put a PERIOD to this. I really hate it; I don't feel good anymore!
A really good example of this is when I have to face someone telling a story and I have to pretend I am interested in what they have to say and I have to like wear my happy mask and pretend I'm enjoying the conversation. Uhh...I just want to stop this!!! =(
I really like that advise. But the way I am I think I`m way worst than you describe it. I go so over bored with that and I have such bad self esteam I do things people want me to do that I would probably regret for life. I really dont know what to do anymore.